给爸发旧照片，所以又翻开尘封已久的档案。惊奇的发现从前的自己曾这么年轻，像个孩子。很多片断早已忘记，现在忽然鲜活起来，就像一地散落的珠子串成一条线。岁月不经意间带来多少皱纹，多少记忆，又加多少遗忘。人总是要用可感知的东西提醒自己世界的存在，曾经的存在。又看见自己初来美国时的宿舍，当时还是崭新的笔记本如今已经退役。好些东西如此陌生，一如照片上的自己，已不敢相认。说来奇怪，人对自己竟然如此的生疏，以至于一日我试图在脑海中画出自己的脸，百般尝试竟都不成。原来我不知道自己的样子。当我又试着画出朋友的面孔时，惊奇地发现我可以毫不费力晰地勾勒出一干人等，熟识或者生疏的，无一例外都那么清晰鲜活。人生于世，可以呼风唤雨，高朋满座；实则如一叶浮萍，漂泊无定。从此愿可日日对镜，一生求看清我的样子。

晚上SQ激动地打来电话说订婚了。虽然我早已预料到这一天，不过真发生时，好为她开心！以后就要叫她Mrs. Scheffler了, haha. 回头看看Purdue的那些记忆，好像那么遥远有时又像就在眼前。朋友都各自走向新的环境、新的生活。上周回学校见到了很多老朋友，只不知天涯海角下次何时能再聚一堂？人生最快乐的事当中一种莫非是与老朋友相聚，再诉经过，再饮千杯。写道这里突然想起beyond的一首歌，忘记名字了，一句话总在回响“旧日的知心好友何日再会？但愿共聚互诉往事”

最近总是禁不住想一个人successful不是仅仅因为how smart you are or how hard you work, but how privileged you are.  And there're always arrogance, biases and ignorance on this world, from the beginning to the end. Worse still, it's part of the truth of human society. There'll never be a day that you get up and find out everybody is treated equally by everybody else. There'll never be. It's built in our genes that we look differently and it's a fact that we come from different backgrounds. It's simply a truth that people are different on various levels. We tend to be judgemental towards others just because they are unlike ourself, either to protect ourselves or to feel superior.

彼此看著变高　世间旅途
我们曾以心声跳舞
如此关系　像光跟影
日后未必找得到
过去逛尽千里路
我们还有很多哩数
陪我长大　互相修补
分享每段路　Let’s take the ride

 

就这样毕业了，真的吗。

 

commencement那天几乎所有的人都是被亲戚朋友簇拥着。校园里从来没有这么多人，黑色成了成了这个周末的主旋律。因为两个朋友第二天才毕业，也没有亲戚到场，reception我也就没有去。坐上回家的公车，我的长袍子与这个夏天的格调极其不符，严肃得格外显眼。一个小女孩忍不住问"Are you just graduated? It's so cool." 可能她认为一个毕了业的人不应该这样坐公车回家吧。

   

最近看了几个韩国电影，感觉很好。在美国这许久，时尔会忘记东方的感觉。更多时候是用美国人的方式思考，不情愿地被同化，偶尔又会回想自己原本的生活方式，然后继续在夹缝中生存。回想这一年以来的点滴，曾经忙得焦头烂额无暇顾及其他，曾经茫然徘徊孤独困惑伤怀。这些年真的变化了很多，从外在的一切，到对自己的认识。如果说四年前自己是不知天高地厚天真无邪的小孩，现在的我多了分现实感。不再做不切实际的梦，知道自己的局限。但我愿意继续说自己依然天真无邪。也许这就是成长吧。

   

还有一个月就回家了。周五的时候大家还在讨论submission，说到对父母应该submit，结果昨天给家里打电话就冲妈妈发了脾气，感觉很是内疚。受不了她的唠叨，尽管只有一句。生活已经很累，不想再听到指教，想想也许还是自己不对。

   

这个星期很辛苦。开始同时上两门课，又有阅读任务又有写作要交。不过这是大学里的最后两门课了。American lit的教授很同情我，说钦佩我的勇气选这门课，让我觉得自己好像挺可怜。全班清一色的美国人，不过没所谓，我习惯了。

   

很多朋友都走了，回国回家实习。想想前面的路，不长也不短。我也就要离开所有熟悉的人，独自奔赴前程了。曾经的壮怀满腔，现在还剩下几分，也许更多的是贪图享乐。有的时候觉得自己生活得不尽如意，觉得没有归属感。在人群中也许可以挥洒自如，但独处时免不了寂寞无奈。也会觉得如果不出国会过得更舒服，也曾认为出国丢掉了什么。不过这不同的社会体系让我看到了更多，离开家离开自己的文化让我成熟了更多，也让我看得到自己的样子。坐在家里的沙发上静静地看着周围的一切；几年前不会知道自己现在会在这里，现在又怎么能知道以后会在何方呢。

－－英文为什么会有这么多词呢，痛苦啊。

 

在这个孤独的圣诞夜，窗外已经没有灯火。只有我点着一盏小灯，抱着一团被子，对着奇怪的字母组合发呆。现在的努力，还不是为了上一个好的grad school，可读grad school又为什么，还不是为了毕业找份理想的工作。什么是理想的工作，又有多少工作可以让你enjoy呢？ 随后还不是在平凡的工作上消磨青春年华。在这里quote朋友的一句话，"I wonder if I'm achieving my full potential". 未来在哪里，我究竟该如何走呢？

Recently a classmate accidentally died of bipolar and committing suicide. I can't believe this when I first heard about it. Came back from his funeral this morning feeling sad.  His dad read a letter at the funeral in the trembling and crying voice that I will never forget.  Can't imagine what I would do I were in his shoes; the only son died at the age of 21.  Especially he was so smart and genius.  Looked at his body, I can't believe he's gone.  I kind of talked with my dad about it and he said we have to learn how to look at ourselves and how to look at the world.  You can't see youself too high or too low.  It made me think that sometimes in life you might have to compromise; if you don't bend, you break.  Just wish that he is rested in a better place and hope his parents fine.

I went to fishing yesterday.  It was much fun.  Got up at 5 o'clock in the dark and that was not part of the fun.  We bought crawfish as the bait in a small store first.  When we got there, there were already a lot of people.  Unbelievable.   I never thought it was so easy to fish here. I casted the bait and within one minute I felt the heavy of my rod. I rolled the real and like what I thought,  a fish was on the hook. I pulled the line but the fish slipped away.  I put another piece of bait on and within one minute again I caught my first fish.  It was a bass.  Later I also caught a few drums.  There were just so many of them.

I watched a documentary called "Undercover in the secret state" on CNN today.  It talked about the secret state North Korea.  A North Korea camera man secretely shot some pictures and carried it out and revealed it by crossing the boader between China.  It was such a mess there: children stole on the street because they got nothing to eat; people lied on the ground dying and no body cared.  There was no information of the rest of the world, no foreign movies, no phone calls allowed to outside and people were fooled by false teaching that North Korea was the paradise and people in other places were suffering. The control of the people was absolutely severe: they can't even travel to another city by train unless they got a permit. People were staving but Kim Jong Il said the nation didn't want any food aid...

 

It is such a sad story.  To me it just tells how differently people can live under the same sky.  We are enjoying too many good stuffs in life and just take them for granted.  We complain our own situation and seem to be never satisfied.  We just don't know there are people leading a life that can't be called a life.  I may not have money, but I have the freedom to think, to understand and to pursue whatever good stuff life has to offer; they just don't even have the opportunity.  The worst thing in life happens when one is not only deprived of the chance to eat but also think and speak.

Suddenly it's June again.  Early June reminds me of Gaokao.  I checked the website today and looked through this year's exam questions; the first time I did this since I took that exam 3 years ago.  The problem still looks familiar but not the answers anymore.  There are tons of advise on how to choose a university and a major.  It seems so far to me yet so near.  There are also some pictures about the parents waiting outside of the testing centers for their children and suggestions for parents on what to do on the last day of Gaokao.  I tried to remember how I spent my last day.  But all I could think of is it's a bad day.  The day started early; I rode bicycle to the test center; waited outside and then everything was in the dark. Test began and I have no trace of that at all. Can't think of anything, only knowing that I did a terrible job.  I think I rode bicycle back home but I'm not positive if dad also came to pick me up.  I have no idea how I managed to get back home but I clearly remembered when I reached home I just cried...Cause I know I no longer belonged to the university I wanted to go. Then we ate out and my old man comforted me, made me feel better but sad. That was the day 3 years ago, the last day of my Gaokao.

学期结束了，转眼之间好多人却都要走了。回到宿舍，已是空空荡荡，只留下熟悉的字迹和告别的字条。两个室友都回去了，其中一个肯定不会回来，另一个也不知道还能不能见到...Liz，Kevin，Yunfei，Xu Di，Dongchun竟也都要远走各处，好像一霎那熟识的人都离开了,徒留下些旧物让人缅怀，就希望他们一路顺风吧...

大概已经6年没见到这般大雪。从昨天下午一直下到午夜，风狂吹，就这样从家走到Lily hall，边走边拍照，竟用了一个小时。But I enjoyed the effort I pulled my feet out of the snow at every step, and all the cold and howling wind as well as the hailing and screaming of crowd that reminded me of the feeling I was so familiar with, yet lost so long.

 

今晚去家旁边的大斜坡玩滑雪，so much fun! 人很多，虽然已经夜里12点半，人从四面八方赶来，这才发现住在hilltop原来也有好处。就想起来小时候在家乡，冬天的时候那些好玩的东西，可惜已经不在。这许多年在外边，虽然每年都回家，但物随事迁，每年的心境都不同。为着各样的事忙碌，或者因为远离，总是不断流浪。但似乎这又是不可避免的，世界这么大，谁又能永远安居一处呢？ But still yearn for the feeling that touches the bottom of your heart and makes you feel nice..

实验室灯火通明，还有2个人没有走。已经夜里1点了，可我并不觉得。走出Lily, 新下的雪压在草上，在路灯和月光下闪出离奇的银色。一阵风吹来，却并不觉得太寒冷。地上些许声音，是松鼠跑过。踏着单车行在回家的路上，路两边整齐排列的车都戴上了银色的帽子，一个fraternity门前仍有几个人不知在做什么，但一切静谧...

It's so insane that I misread the problem of 20 degree as 25! The whole problem .went wrong and I lost 8 point of that! It's the easiest one...I'm such an idiot..

I just find out the points I lose in homework or quizes will count the same as the ones in the exams! Didn't realize that before and didn't pay attention to that...But the class that I do well in homework and quizes doesn't count that way! Sucks...Also feel bad abt the exam today. The calculator didn't work well...

 

今天下午West Lafayette 的library有一个book fair，一口气买了10本回来！装了整整2大袋，现在书架被我塞得满满的。买了很多文学的书，还包括一本哈克贝里芬恩历险记，算是对童年的怀念吧。